Login: activist       			Name: Benjamin Bradley
Directory: /u/activist              	Shell: /lusr/bin/bash
Office: TAY 2.124, 471-7316 x0
On since Tue Aug 27 02:24 (CDT) on pts/0 from 66-90-146-115.grandecom.net
No mail.
Project:
live
Plan:
8-26-02
I sat down with H tonight and we had a talk. I don't know if she even hears me
sometimes. I don't know if she even cares. I felt sad afterwards and thought
about calling someone, just to hear the voice of someone I could count on.
But then J called me and I was the one being called upon to comfort and console.
And after speaking with her, I felt better anyway.

8-24-02
It's funny how your body gives you wake-up calls occasionally. Today I nearly
passed out in my Tai Chi class. Some very nice people helped me out - water,
wet towels, pineapple. It's a good place.

8-20-02
I'm sorry, I don't know where I've been.
I think I got comfortable in my complacency. laugh. what a surprise.
Soon it will be time for this to go away, and hopefully something new to
appear. It'll probably happen online. I probably won't tell anyone. I'll
probably hint at it.

I don't have anything of my own right now, except the above. So here's for
you from everything2:
---
The best thing my grandmother ever taught me (idea)
 (idea) by Pantaliamon (5 min) (print)   ?   Wed Aug 21 2002 at 03:30:13 

The best thing my grandmother ever taught me is that it is ok if someone 
doesn't love you. That it is almost wonderful when someone doesn't love you. 

When I was 18, I started dating a man who was much too old for me. He was 
smart and funny and adored me because I looked up at him with the big eyes 
of child. I listened and learned from his lectures on film and art and culture.

Of course, after a while, I took him to meet my grandmother, my favorite 
person other than him. He seemed to charm her as he did me. But before I left, 
she took me into her tiny kitchen and I'll never forget the look on her face 
when she said, "He doesn't love you." She was so serious, more serious than I 
had ever seen her. "And it is ok. It will be ok once you figure it out on your 
own." I was stunned. The air seemed to leave my lungs and I just stood there 
unable to breath. I remember thinking to myself, "How could someone not love 
me?" I wanted to say it to her, but I didn't. It sounded so self-centered, so 
childish, that I couldn't utter the words. I just smiled at her, unable to 
speak. She hugged me and we left the kitchen. 

It would take me two years and two breakups with this man to finally figure 
out that my grandmother was right. He didn't love me. He never did. If he 
loved anything other than himself, it was the idea of me, a young girl whom he 
could shape into a replica of himself. 

It is 10 years later and I can still hear her say the words, "He doesn't love 
you. And it is ok," and I still think it is the best advice ever given to me. 
The very best gift. I wish I could tell her this, but it is too late. She has 
Alzheimer's and thinks I am her own mother most times I visit her.

I saw him on the street the other day. He was walking home from the theater 
with a girl. It looked like a date. I was wearing my polar bear pajama pants 
and pigtails, walking the dog with my husband. Our eyes met, him on his side 
of the street, me on mine. I smiled and thought. "Thank you for not loving me."
---

8-10-02
Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet plane engines. 

7-29-02
I came to the realization yesterday that I had spoken more to the people in
my neighborhood while I was mowing the lawn on the day that we moved out than
I had during the entire rest of my time at that house.

7-18-02
"Facism is a term thrown about too freely, and I don't believe we're at a 
point that its use is justified--but an oppressive and intrusive government, 
however you want to label it, does not ride into town wearing the uniforms and 
waving the flags of recognizable evil. It creeps in slowly, wrapped in the 
flag of your own country, and speaking the language of patriotism and duty, 
and at each step along the way, its actions seem plausible and defensible--
until one morning you wake up and realize the gulf between the way things were 
and the way things are has grown so wide that there is no going back. Sinclair 
Lewis tried to point this out more than a half century ago, and given the 

current climate, It Can't Happen Here is well worth re-reading (or reading for 
the first time, if you've never come across it before)."
-Tom Tomorrow

6-20-02
I'm not getting laid off after August after all! yay!

"You wouldn't see a white fridge in the Batcave, would you?" - Rick Sanchez


6-17-02
"Oh, don't worry about it. As soon as you step outside that door, you'll start 
feeling better. You'll remember you don't believe in any of this fate crap. 
You're in control of your own life, remember? Here, take a cookie. I promise, 
by the time you're done eating it, you'll feel right as rain." - The Matrix

6-13-02
it's so nice to be able to drive home at 4: in the morning.
on a wednesday night

"It seems like everytime i'm in relationship trouble, you save me from myself."
-Jessica S.

6-12-02
where does the time go?
into our memories and our thoughts.
life is so grand.

5-18-02
well, now it's all over.
I've had a nap, and to tell the truth, I think I do miss it a little bit.
now for the rest of my life...

5-16-02
"A thousand years is but an instant. There is nothing new, nothing different. 
Same pattern over and over. The same clouds, the same music. The same as I 
felt an hour or an eternity ago. There's nothing new for me now, nothing at all.
Now I remember. This happened to me before. This is why I left. You have begun 
to find your answers. Although it will seem difficult, the rewards will be great. 
Exercise your human mind as fully as possible, knowing it is only exercise. 
Build beautiful artifacts. Solve problems. Explore the secrets of the physical 
universe. Savor the input from all the senses. Feel the joy and sorrow, the 
laughter, empathy, compassion and tote the emotional memory in your travel bag. 
I remember where I came from, and how I became human, why I hung around. And 
now my final departure is scheduled. This way out. Escaping velocity. Not just 
eternity, but infinity."
-from /Waking Life/ written and directed by Richard Linklater

5-15-02
Last night, H and I had a fight in the car. We both got angry at each other, 
and she yelled at me. As I was sitting there in the silence that followed, I 
realized that it was the first time she had really gotten angry at me and 
showed it. She finally pushed back. I was angry and sad, but then I realized 
the progress that she's shown. and I smiled.

5-14-02
last final is over.
Now that my schooling is finished, I can begin my education!


5-2-02
At a certain level of difficulty, it is no longer sufficient to be good, one
must be good *and* lucky.

4-30-02
When children are very young, they go through a critical period. During 
this period they are sponges - they absorb knowledge. They ask "why" very
often. They want to know how things work and how everything fits together.

I feel as though I have entered a second critical period in my life. The world
is open to me. "Why" is my favorite word again. I want to know why things 
happen and how they work. I want to know.

4-25-02
It just looks like I'm staring into space. I'm actually thinking very hard.

4-22-02
"Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, 
you can't win." - Lazarus Long (Robert Heinlein)

"We are in strange waters here, where all the usual considerations may be
reversed - where illness may be wellness, and normality illness, where 
excitement may be3 either bondage or release, and where reality may lie in 
ebriety, not sobriety. It is the very realm of Cupid and Dionysus."
-Oliver Sacks, _The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat_

4-18-02
The worst thing about being smart is getting rewarded for slacking off.

4-17-02
Fuck. she's a stoner.
She said "yes" plain and simple.
ahh gaaaahhhhd. my body is starting to get that tingly feeling when it knows
there's hope for love around the corner....
fuck me if I don't do anything.

4-16-02
my heart aches for no one in particular

4-15-02
our quote for today:
"You only have power over people so long as you don't take everything away
from them. But when you have robbed a man of everything, he's no longer in 
your power - he's free again."
-Alexander Solzhenitsyn

4-13-02
Pedernales state park has reminded me of the fun of climbing on things.

3-28-02
B. selected this quote for the whiteboard today:
"Dreams are a reservoir of knowledge and experience. Yet they are often 
overlooked as a vehicle for exploring reality."
-Tarthang Tulku

Lucid dreaming is fucking cool.


3-22-02
back from the virgin islands on monday. it was fine for a couple days- sunny 
beaches, snorkeling, swimming in the ocean. then the small beds, lack of A/C 
and hot water, and mosquito bites started getting to me. we didn't plan as well
as we should have and didn't see as much as we could (plus taxis were fokken
expensive). it was a fun trip, though.

"[the old] finally realize that the rules of conduct are optional and read what
they wish, say what they think, and live in sin without a qualm."
-Charles Bowden, /Torch Song/, from Harper's magazine


3-6-02
B. wore a short demin skirt today. I'm all a-quiver.
If only I had the balls to ask her out.
--
I am a house elf.
But, one has many jobs on the way to a career, no?
--
man, what a long day.

If the world were to end within my lifetime, 
would it end on a good day or a shitty day?

3-4-02
How would I live my life differently if I were dying?
Why don't I live like that now?

2-25-02
Sometimes I feel like I'm living with children. Immature, inconsiderate, 
self-centered children.
Shouldn't people my age be more mature than that?

no.

flow. flow.flowflowflowflo..........................


When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school.  A
group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
six-year-old.  "It is always so," my mother said.  "You do things
together which not one of you would think of doing alone."  ...
Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.  The military
establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
                -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"

2-18-02
from everything2's dreamlog for 2-14-02:
(idea) by RainDropUp (print)   ?    Thu Feb 14 2002 at 19:05:36 UTC 

The weight of ocean water surrounds me, but does not smother me; it does not 
crush my skeleton into a finely granulated dust. I can see the idea of its 
volume, but it does not affect me physically. The darkness of thick liquid is 
all around, but somehow I can see; somehow the whispers of images in the black 
are known to me. A rocky floor is underneath me, and my knees and feet knock 
against it as the currents move me where they will. 
I am alone there. 

Then. A shape moves far away. I can barely make it out from my position; it is 
a large, sleek object that appears to be made out of motion itself. Its actions 
are slow, labored; it carries the weight of the world in its being. Barely am 
I able to rightly focus on it before a rumble deep within the ocean floor 
scatters up clouds of dust and debris. The source is a sound, a terrific 
plunging sound that makes my ribcage strain and threaten to break. It starts 
as pure vibration, then escalates swifty upwards, into an undulating array of 
clicks and low, mournful wails. 

The bits of light that had filtered through the water to allow my vision were 
shut off as a curtain of black shape drew slowly over my head. It had a 
solidity of purpose and life that struck the terror of unknown immensity into 
my awareness. My arm reached upwards of seemingly of its own volition; I had 
to touch this source of existence. 

My fingers brushed it. 

My awareness ... tilted. 
I was [flash] not looking through water or light, but instead [flash] I was 
water, and light, and [flash] every bit of physicality that had come into this 
world. The life of ages swept through me, textures and experiences and ideas 
that my mind raced to grasp.
The touch broke, and the whale glided silently past. I watched it go; I 
watched this keeper of the secrets of time move away. It was as if I had 
touched the core of the earth itself, and everything that had ever come to 
pass in and on it.

I closed my eyes and the ocean disappeared, and there was only imagination.


2-6-01
A fox is a wolf who sends flowers.
                -- Ruth Weston

2-5-01
this is a bit late, but written on paper from last sunday (the 27th):
last night she sat on my knee. I offered her both- because I think it's 
more comfortable to sit on two, but she chose just one - the left one, 
and sat on my leg. The feeling of the soft flesh of her buttocks against 
my thigh was delicious. The corduroy of my pants and the fabric of her 
skirt felt like nothing.

1-31-02
from everything2.com:
Dream Log: October 18, 2000

  (idea) by stash (print)       Wed Oct 18 2000 at 08:42:34 UTC

  Bodies In Parallel
  -what comes of dreaming after a late-night study of multitasking in
  computer operating systems.

         I am at my summer workplace, Agilent, except the building is
         right on the coastline, with an open picnic area looking out on
         the ocean. It's a Saturday, so there are not many people around
         and I'm indoors. I become lucid and decide that I want to go out
         back and fly out over the sea. I'm rude to some co-workers as I
         leave my cubical but think nothing of it since they are dream
         characters.

         I am a mid-twenties female who looks a lot like Winona Ryder.
         I'm outside the Agilent building and it's a foggy day so I've worn
         dark blue denim jeans and a matching jacket. I'm supposed to
         meet Dan in back since this is a lucid dream of mine and we're
         going to fly out over the ocean. Walking around the side of the
         complex, I make my way to the picnic area.

         I reach the exit and look out through the panoramic windows to
         the gray foggy sky and ocean. I walk out the door to meet my
         friend. I'm just now realizing that our consciousness is shared
         equally between us and I am experiencing the dream reality
         through both of our sensoriums in parallel. This could be
         something fun to play with.

         I get to the back and walk towards the edge of the rocky slope.
         It's a very peculiar sensation having two minds at once. On a
         whim, I decide to end one of them to recall what it's like to
         experience only one mind.

         Since I feel more at home in my male body I decide to throw my
         female body into the sea. (This is all in the morally-free spirit of
         a lucid dream). We smile at each other as I pick her up and lift
         her above my head.

         Just then an ogre-like being grabs my male body and shrinks it
         to the size of a basketball with sheer strength, then discards the
         body on the rocks. I stand up and the ogre tosses a grape-sized
         object to me: my male brain, squishy and brown. I laugh and
         throw it into the water. What a queer dream, I think.


1-23-02
There's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all 
at once, and it's too much, and my heart fills up like a balloon that's about 
to burst... And then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it, 
and then it flows through me like rain, 
and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid 
little life... (American Beauty)

Sometimes there's so much hate in the world I feel like I can't take it, 
like my heart's going to cave in. (adapted from American Beauty)
and then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold onto it, and then it 
flows through me like rain.

flow flow flow
remember to flow.
beauty, hate, money, love, life. everthing must flow. DO NOT FORGET
flowsthroughmelikerainflowthroughmelikerainflowsthroughmelikerainflows...


1-21-02
I think I may be falling for her. She is so beautiful. It's a simple, 
comfortable beauty.

I wrote this last night when we were all high. It made sense at the time, 
but as soon as I had thought of it, I forgot the reasoning behind it, still 
I think it's just:
I would wash my clothes a thousand times for the chance to kiss her lips.

and what if I succeed?
will it be a hollow victory? a lust without substance?
but this one is so much more than lust. It's true, I desire to posess her because of 
her beauty, but there is reverence in it. I am in awe of her beauty.


1-18-02
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
                -- Arthur C. Clarke
This came up thursday in my cognitive science class. The analogy was that our 
brains, having evolved for millions of years, are essentially a "sufficiently 
advanced technology."
Watson thought that brains are chemical, mechanical elements at their core. 
One can therefore predict the behavior of the brain based on it's previous 
experience and current simulus. But the machinery is so complex, we find it 
difficult to believe that free will does not exist. It's magic.

1-16-02
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, 
and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss

1-13-02
"Because even when Richard didn't understand, he always seemed to understand 
better than the rest of us. And whatever he understood, he could make others 
understand as well. Richard made people feel like children do when a grown-up 
first treats them as adults. He was never afraid to tell the truth, and 
however foolish your question was, he never made you feel like a fool."
--from "Most of the Good Stuff" Memories of Richard Feynman

1-9-02
For the first time in my life, I have more than enough money.


1-7-02
I must remember that there are other people in the world. Other emotions 
to experience.

This is the house that funk built.

1-1-02
another successful party finished.
I don't remember how many guests we had throughout the night, but we finished 
the handle of rum, most of the other liquor is still there. We devoured both 
3-foot subs from subway, and half the cookies and sodas I'm sure. Nothing got
broken, no one was hurt, the only guy that got sick (that I know of) passsed
out on the floor and slept well until leaving this morning. no cops. no
complaints. We had 10 people stay the night, in addition to the 4 of us that 
live here. 
I am increasingly remembering that love and seduction, the right way, is a 
long process that takes time.

like so many, 
a beautiful bird that I yearn to have for my own

...and what if I catch her, what then?


12-20-01
today's fortune, courtesy of Robert Heinlen:
This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's
side.  I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little
else to sustain them.  Humoring them costs nothing and adds happiness in
a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
                -- Lazarus Long

12-17-01
Today CM and I took the elevator from the 5th floor all the way down to the 2nd.
It seemed to last forever. I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, buy when
I tried to open my mouth, it was filled with her beauty and the words could not
come out.


"you sonofabitch Humphrey"


Being really stoned is like being given the key to a magical room filled with 
knowledge and insight, but with the stipulation that you will forget anything
you learn as soon as you leave the room.

12-14-01
Well, finals are over with. I might have failed one class, but in the others 
I probably made 3 As and a B. Pretty good average overall, I think.
For lunch today, i had a bag of pretzels (holiday shapes), Mrs. Baird's 
Chocolate Cups (2, creme filled. Not as good as Hostess), and a Mountain Dew 
Code Red (not as good as other red drinks). Ah life.

12-11-01
today's fortune:
"If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and
 the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will
 lose that, too."
-- W. Somerset Maugham

12-10-01
story idea:
after it is discovered that being anywhere near a microwave oven will give you 
cancer, including looking through the window or standing right in front of it,
the little old ladies who work at SAMS giving out free samples of food file
a class action suit against the company.

12-05-01
this morning, I tried to turn off my alarm using the lightswitch on my lamp.
twice.
last night, I dreamed that I was high, and it allowed me to levitate. I showed 
my parents and they mildly disapproved of it. I said "why? it's such a great 
thing! to think that people all over the world could fly!" and they said "well, 
it's illegal"

"In 1993, Microsoft Excel 5.0 took up about $36 worth of hard drive space. 
In 2000, Microsoft Excel 2000 takes up about $1.03 in hard drive space. All 
adjusted for inflation." - Joel Spolsky of http://joel.editthispage.com/
in an interview on http://www.softwaremarketsolution.com/

12-03-01
5am. Ah the things we do for love.
"but it was worth it"

9pm. but that was this morning.
now I feel like one of those blow-up inflatable clowns that have sand in the 
bottom so that when you hit them, they bend down but they pop right back up.

11-29-01
I don't really believe in God, but I think that hold music and holiday radio
jingles are definitely sufficient proof for Satan.


11-28-01
finished _Stardust_ by Neil Gaiman - a very nice little faerie tale.
Here is a quote:
"If ever you get to be my age, you will know all there is to know about 
regrets, and you will know that one more, here or there, will make no 
difference in the long run."

I think I forgot to tell you - I figured out the answer to a happy life again.
I realized, a couple weeks ago, that I was judging my life by what I thought
a life should be, instead of whether or not I enjoy it. so I stopped and I
realized that I like my life. No one will ever write a book about it, and you
wouldn't read about it in a magazine. If someone were to tell you about it
on the bus, you'd probably think it was rather droll. 
But that's not what matters.
I enjoy my life. I have a damn good time in it.
And that is what matters.

I finally made an appointment to get contacts - on friday.
I went out with kate on sunday the 25th. We met at the Spider House for coffee-
like beverages and then walked around Hyde park for an hour and kissed on a
bench beneath the bright city-night sky. We briefly visited my house, and then 
we parted. It was good. We agree on all the important points and she seems to 
appreciate my sense of adventure. I think we shall share many fun times.

here is a dump of one side of my current random-thought-collecting paper:
-On my way to Thanksgiving in Dallas, I stopped at a "convenience" store and 
bought some gum and a drink. For these confections and a beverage, I paid over
$3.50. It's highway robbery. Except instead of taking all your money, they just
take some of it. and they put it on your credit card. It's like they rob you
just a little bit, and when it's over, they give you a consolation prize.

-My increased interactions with C. remind me that I have no tolerance for 
intolerance, and that is a pity.

-passion is not enough. to endure, one must have an insatiable hunger for life.

-While in my father's house, I was going to sleep when I heard an engine
revving down the street. It wasn't loud at all, but it happened every 2 seconds
or so. I thought who is revving their engine every 2 seconds at 11 at night?
and for god's sake, why?
and then I realized, it was my father snoring in the next room.

11-12-01
How many Lojbanists does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
Two: one to decide what to change it into, and another to figure out what 
sort of bulb would emit broken light. 

11-9-01
in my world:
me: "How do you tell a woman that she's the most attractive woman you've 
ever seen and that her very presence makes your work day that much better?"
CM: "thank you <blush>."

11-8-01
from today's fortune:
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
of ever behaving "normally."
                -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"

11-5-01
World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century since
H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil thing on
earth than race prejudice, none at all.  I write deliberately -- it is
the worst single thing in life now.  It justifies and holds together more
baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of error in the world."
                -- Sydney Harris


11-2-01
AT LUNCHTIME A STORY OF LOVE
by Roger McGough

When the busstopped suddenly to avoid
damaging a mother and child in the road, the
younglady in the greenhat sitting opposite 
was thrown across me, and not being one to
 miss an opportunity i started to makelove 
with all my body.

At first she resisted saying that it
was tooearly in the morning and toosoon
after breakfast and that anyway she found 
me repulsive. But when i explained that
this being a nuclearage, the world was going 
to end at lunchtime, she tookoff her
greenhat, put her busticket in her 
pocket and joined in the exercise.

The buspeople, and therewere many of
them, were shockedandsurprised and amused-
andannoyed, but when the word got around 
that the world was coming to an end at lunch-
time, they put their pride in their pockets 
with their bustickets and madelove one with 
the other. And even the busconductor, being 
over, climbed into the cab and struck up 
some sort of relationship with the driver. 

Thatnight, on the bus coming home,
wewere all alittle embarrassed, especially me 
and the younglady in the greenhat, and we 
all started to say in different ways howhasty 
and foolish we had been. Butthen, always 
having been a bitofalad, i stood up and
said it was a pity that the world didn't nearly 
end every lunchtime and that we could always
pretend. And then it happened . . .

Quick asa crash we all changed partners
and soon the bus was aquiver with white
mothballbodies doing naughty things.

And the next day
And everyday
In everybus
In everystreet
In everytown
In everycountry

people pretended that the world was coming 
to an end at lunchtime. It still hasn't.
Although in a way it has.


11-1-01
The nice thing about working in an office full of women, is that they can 
call you things like "sweetheart."
-
It's amazing how a beautiful woman 
can make you totally forget what you're doing.

10-31-01
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."
-- Dave Parnas

10-29-01
had a pretty good day.

I changed my mind. My new personal hero is Richard P. Feynman.

10-23-01
One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid 
starvation and keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this 
is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny. 

10-22-01
Today's date is the last palindrome until... 2011? I think...
little things. concentrate on the little good things.

10-17-01
Yesterday, at work, we were talking about what class(es) I should take to get 
up to 12 hours for the spring semester and someone mentioned PE. I'd have to 
take three PE classes to get the right number of hours? M. laughed and said
'you could take swimming to slim down, weight lifting to bulk up... then you'd
be the perfect man.' she kinda trailed off at the end because i think she 
realized what she was saying.
but it made me feel good.

10-11-01
Now, *I* am the person that writes in the "FOR OFFICE USE ONLY" part of forms.

10-9-01
fortune says:
Now, if the leaders of the world -- people who are leaders by virtue of 
political, military or financial power, and not necessarily wisdom or
consideration for mankind -- if these leaders manage not to pull us
over the brink into planetary suicide, despite their occasional pompous
suggestions that they may feel obliged to do so, we may survive beyond
1988.  
-- George Rostky, EE Times, June 20, 1988 p. 45


"He had a quiet way about him, a walk and a talk that just wasn't normal
around here. He strolled, like a man in a park without a care or
a worry in the world. Like he had on an invisible coat that would
shield him from this place."
--The Shawshank Redemption (Red, voiceover)

song lyrics:
---
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still in my heart this moment
Or it might burst
Could we stay right here
Until the end of time until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this

Wanna stay right here
'Til the end of time 'till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

-- "Gorecki" by Lamb


10-8-01
In a government job (i.e. working within a beauracracy), people don't work 
all the time, they exist there (indeed, are paid to sit there), *in case* 
some work needs to be done.

10-7-01
Tommy: Doesn't it make you proud to be Scottish? 
Renton: It's shite being Scottish. We're the lowest of the low. The scum of 
the fuckin' earth. Most people hate the English. I don't. They're just 
wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonised by wankers. We can't even 
find a decent culture to be colonised by. It's a shite state of affairs to 
be in, Tommy, and no amount of fresh air is gonna' make any fuckin' difference. 

10-4-01
I think that waiting is one of the most awful things that a human being 
can do.

www.magnus-opus.com
Two Australian men have copyrighted over 100 billion touch-tone sequences 
as pieces of music. that is, they have copyrighted phone numbers.
Beautiful.

10-3-01
http://actsofgord.com
I think this guy is my new personal hero.

I looked up "head crush" on images.google.com and it found 4 FOUR pictures 
of people crushing heads on the first two pages!!! what a great engine!!

9-26-01
I have realized why I'm so interested in philosophy, linguistics, 
cognitive science, artificial intelligence, sociology, phsycology, 
memetics, etc. The underlying principle behind my interest in all is:
meta-knowledge.
That is, knowledge about knowledge.
That's why I find babies fascinating as well.

9-25-01
Two topics for today:
the right to ignorane, memetic engineering:
right to ignorance:
people will fight to the death to defend their right to ignorance. their 
right to believe what they do and not have their delusions shattered by 
someone else.
faith is an excellent example.
so is nationalism - the belief that one country is better than all others 
and can do not wrong.

memetic engineering
"We are now a global information society poised at the threshold of a 
knowledge economy." - from http://www.7pillars.com/abt7pc.html
this relates heavily to the "absolute devine manipulation" political 
theory I came up with on my webpage (lostpoet.tripod.com/passion.html)
dictionary.com defines meme as: A unit of cultural information, such as a 
cultural practice or idea, that is transmitted verbally or by repeated 
action from one mind to another.
There are many sources to look at on the internet which will describe 
memes and memetics better than I, but basically memetics is to memes as 
genetics is to genes. Memes, like genes, are passed to members of society 
based on their survivability. Memetics engineering is designing memes so 
that they will spread through the population and survive. 
Here's some links:
http://www.7pillars.com/papers/MemEngin.html
http://www.7pillars.com/papers/Memetics.html


9-24-01
"When the cookie is broken, it has more surface area, so it tastes 
better." - Casey Cooper (works@utcs dept.)

9-23-01
there's a feeling in the air.
a feeling of doom, of apocalypse
but if you don't look that far into it, it looks like a feeling of life
people trying to fuck more
trying to consume as much life as they can before they die.

a dream last night:
there is an amazing fantastic picolo player who dies.
they make him into a flute - a bone or something.
he still makes the music if someone else supplies the breath.
sometimes he whispers more than he has to.


here's some past stuff - over the past week or so:
-----
I dreamed of Bjork again.
We were in her back yard. There's a place there I like to go at the back. 
Hey backyard leads out to a body of water, and there's a little bridge to 
a piece of land - maybe her private island? The place I like to go to is 
at the back of the island somewhere.
We start out in a boat, by the shore nearest her house. Just sitting there 
and talking. Eventually I get out and sit on the shore and she follows me.
We're talking. Like we're friends. Like we do this all the time. She tells 
me about things her friend says. She touches my chest once, twice. 
"This is going to be an awkward moment for us," she says.
I ask why? because you started touching me? It doesn't have to be.
I want to say don't you understand? I love you so much, there doesn't have 
to be anything physical between us, but if there is, it's ok. It doesn't 
even have to be well-defined.
But I can't say all that. it's fading already...
I love her.
I love her.
-----
I've started carrying a piece of paper with me. I collect thoughts and 
sayings on it as I eat my lunch or whenever I think of them.:
---
When you pay with a credit/debig card, it's almost like you're not paying 
at all. Really, I don't see the money in my life. It's just numbers in a 
list. That's why I think the recession won't be that bad. Most people 
don't even use cash anymore. There'll be no run on cash. And banks will 
never run out of numbers.
---Being a nudist takes all the sexy out of being naked.
---Despite what popular media says, I still think smiling women are far 
more attractive than those who are not.
---The second best thing about breasts is bouncing. The first, of course, 
is nipples.
---Some people are short. Some people are short and bitter about it.
---I wonder if I'm attracted to girls who are slightly chubby because *I* 
am, or because of something about them.
---I think everyone has their weird little sex things that only sound 
appropriate to discuss in a group. like: "have you ever slept with X? 
Isn't it weird how he's always trying to stick a finger up your ass?"
---I saw a guy who had FILA written across the ass of his athletic shorts. 
an invitation?
---I can't help thinking that the tagline of a local radio station - la 
que te mueve - must sound a lot better in spanish that its english 
translation - that which moves you.

9-19-01
I fasted yesterday.
It didn't really start out intentionally - I forgot to make my lunch and 
didn't bring any money - but it's definitely something I'm going to 
repeat. Every time I feel a pang of hunger, I think about all the things I 
*do* have, about all the people who aren't as lucky as me. about how, for 
the most part, every other day of the year, I have foor in my cupboard and 
in my belly.

fortune: Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

9-18-01
It's funny. It's been a week since the attack, and my life hasn't really 
changed that much. Only the future has changed - and what's that anyway?

You get on the bus and it's full of people. Most of them don't smell like 
anything, thankfully. Some of them smell like BO or fart, but they're 
rare. But then there's that one guy that smells like *sandwiches*.


9-14-01
The epitomy of a government job is:
IN & OUT boxes
Everything goes in the IN box. I'll get to it when I have time, or when I 
want to, or eventually.
And when I'm done, it goes in the OUT box and someone picks it up and it 
goes in someone else's IN box.
And this continues several times. At least 2 or 3, sometimes 5 or 6.
Until whatever it is gets finished.

From everything2.com 's Dreamlog for Nov. 15, 2000:
(idea) by WolfDaddy  Wed Nov 15 2000 at 05:00:58 UTC

  I dreamed about the rapture last night. The end of the world had come,
  and God (and I must have been in the same universe Patsy and Edina
  inhabit, since She looked just like Marianne Faithfull) and I were having
  a pleasant conversation in an old log cabin. In the meantime, all of
  reality is vanishing outside, surrounding us is blinding white light that
  forced itself through the spaces between the logs. 

  God told me to wait until the last minute before
  accepting/surrendering/resisting the light. I recall feeling calm yet also
  bordering on panic watching as the timber cabin slowly ...
  dematerialized before my eyes. 

  Finally, God held my hands and said "This is it!" and a tremendous
  rushing noise filled my ears, like the universe's largest wave crashing
  on the universe's largest shore. 

  ...and the light took me into itself. 

  I became light. I can't describe the sensation, so overpowering was it,
  and I've never ever felt anything so strongly in a dream. I was ...
  disassembled, and become conscious ... quanta. 

  It was liberating. For a brief moment, I saw infinity, and was boggled
  by how ... mundane it was. I saw an infinity of universes, but there were
  an infinite number of universes in which everything happened just as it
  did in another infinite number of universes. The amount of sameness
  in infinity was just as stunning as the vast differences. 

  However, I couldn't shake the exhilaration of being light or quantum
  foam or whatever. After briefly touring infinity, I turned to God, wanting to
  ask why there was so much repetition and replication. 

  God was no longer next to me, but was instead part of me, and I of God
  ... God was the light, and answered my unvoiced question in a rough,
  wry British accent: 

  "Being a scientist can be pretty boring, even at this scale. But I'm
  learning so much." 

  Then I wake up...

9-13-01
fortune says:
If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.

9-12-01
Today, I saw Josh Duty accidentally staple his own pinky finger.


9-11-01
Masturbation: Sex with someone you love.

and then I heard the news...
this day shall live in infamy.

there's something about the weather that makes me think fall is here.

9-9-01
dream:
I was in a hotel where I was sure Bjork was staying. I hoped that I'd see 
her somewhere or know where she was, but no luck, so I called up the 
receptionist and asked for her room. Of course they wouldn't give it to 
me. Almost none of the staff even knew where she was.
I waited around in the hallways for when she'd leave. Finally she came and 
I was in the group that saw her first. She sat us down and we had pie and 
coffee. She knew my name. She broke off the teatime so she could talk with 
me but I realized it was a dream and woke myself up.


9-4-01
I am convinced that the key to life is contained within the phrase
"It's only life after all."
Remembering it. That's the hard part.

the quote of the week is from will shakespeare (hamlet):
"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."

*snip*
continuation of this .plan is located at http://lostpoet.tripod.com/plan-20010831.txt
---
This is my .plan
bbradley@iname.com -> activist@mail.utexas.edu
activist@cs.utexas.edu
ICQ: 2138802 AIM: LostPoet01
http://lostpoet.tripod.com/

created 8/31/99.

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